What do you do when things turn out to be starkly different from what you expected them to be? You change. But what if the ones you cherish do not want you to change? You are forced to make a choice between yourself and them. Some feel the constant company of people ensures protection, especially for the fairer sex. And they may be right, especially in this country where lone females are preyed upon specifically. But people give two shits about saving you if you are in danger, unless they are your near and dear ones. Then comes the concept of marriage - not for love, but for protection from society and its evils. This type of protection could cost you everything else - but at least you are safe, even if you are unhappy in your marriage, or didn't even get a chance to fall in love...It's taboo here, love. People crave for stability here. They do not want to explore, and those who do, pay for it.

Two facets

What happens when those few who stood by you through thick and thin, whom you completely gave your heart to in a platter and who you thought would understand you and acknowledge your feelings in a heartbeat suddenly went against you? I don't know what happened to them in a span of one year. I had thought that distance would make the heart grow fonder but I was wrong. They now act like I betrayed them and I'm cruel to them when I'm not even in the house for most of the day because of work.It's them who are cruel as when I come back from a hectic and stressful day, I'm greeted with a barrage of the cruelest and most unforgiving language I've ever heard, condemning me for something which I'm not at fault of in the first place. I wonder if it was a bad idea to intern in my hometown as these two months have been nothing but hell. What started as light banter just spiraled out of control and before I knew it I was on the verge of nearly being disowned and stood to lose everything I had worked hard to gain personally and professionally - and again, I had no clue of what went wrong. If there is something that I hate the most in this world, it is people who act like they expect nothing from you and accept you for what you are only to do a volt-face later and go on a rant on just how 'cruel' and 'self-centered' you are. They will tell you they are ok if you are unable to take up responsibilities as you are busy and that they will be fine taking up those responsibilities; but somehow, i don't know what goes on in their heads, one fine day they'll tell you straight in the face that they expect you to be more participating and should take time out (inspite of knowing just how much of a time crunch you are facing due to factors beyond your control at work). I hate double standards, period. I try my best to help around whenever I can, but it is near to impossible and they know the reason why. But then I'm told that I'm getting arrogant just because I'm an MBA and I'm behaving as if these chores are beneath me. I marvel at how fast some people can change from being sweet and loving to spewing disgust and vitriol at you.

The downer..

There come moments when you would want to give everything up - questioning everything that you once stood so determinedly for against everyone save for those few who supported and trusted you. Most of it is mainly because you have failed where everyone else has done so well and you are afraid to go further in case you take a fall so hard that even those who stood by you are effected. A small part of it is also because you don't know how to face the world, at this point. You know you are wrong, but you don't know where, and are at a loss at what to do but are afraid to voice it out to your well-wishers as you don't know what they'll think of you. There is also the part where you will have to deal with others' low opinion of you due to your failure which manifests itself in the way they treat you with thinly veiled contempt, looking down on you as if you are some poor untalented dullard and completely disregarding your attempts at socializing with them or at voicing out your opinions during discussions.

This seems like an ominous way to start a blog, but it was all that came to my mind when I sat down to write this post. I have a hell lot to study, and here I am, pouring my heart out. But it becomes impossible for me to focus on anything, no matter how important it is, when I am overburdened with emotions, and let's face it - less scores are an important point to ponder over.

I feel more like I'm writing a diary, but then I have no one to talk to, considering my current spot in the rank list of students who have cleared the exams is somewhere near the bottom rung. This has given me several sleepless nights as it will severely impact my chances at getting placed in a good firm, and I don't know how to deal with it and the fear that comes with it

There have been several instances in the past where I have been confronted with failures and most of the times I have managed to weather the storm successfully. This time too, I know I have it in me to deal with this, but the fact that I'm away from those who motivated me in the past to successfully deal with failures and that I have no one here to confide in and be my pillar of strength has hindered my attempts in dealing with this situation so much so that I'm still grappling with it. I know this sounds lame and I always used to look down at others who faced similar situations; but having now experienced this first-hand - I truly empathize with them.

Anyway, enough with the rant. I'm off to study and to get back what I have lost - my grades, my peace of mind and the path to my goal.